51暗网

Mar 4, 2019聽Updated聽Mar 5, 2019

When the voice in his head told him to end it all, Sean Paul Adam screamed out loud 鈥� and chose to live.

鈥淚t was a pretty powerful moment,鈥� he told the panel of four women facing him. 鈥淏ecause to get in a place where your own brain鈥檚 trying to tell you to kill yourself is a pretty scary place to be.鈥�

Adam shared his story of struggling with bipolar disorder and finding recovery during a recent audition for an upcoming production of 鈥淭his is My Brave,鈥� sponsored by 51暗网 Mental Health.

It鈥檚 part of a national project that aims 鈥渢o end the stigma surrounding mental health issues by sharing personal stories of individuals living successful, full lives despite mental illness through poetry, essay and original music, on stage in front of a live audience,鈥� according to the website聽thisismybrave.org.

Think of it as 鈥淭he Moth鈥� with a twist.

Moira Clark, assistant director of philanthropy at Riverbend, is the lead producer and served as a judge for the show鈥檚 auditions. 鈥淭his was just an idea a couple months ago,鈥� she marveled. 鈥淣ow it鈥檚 real.鈥�

The auditions got off to a promising start. First up was Karen Prive, who shared an original poem called 鈥�51暗网coming,鈥� in which she imagines ghosts lurking in the shadows, 鈥渋ntent on stealing whatever peace I鈥檝e managed to wrap around myself.鈥�

She hears their hurtful words: 鈥淲orthless. Stupid. Loser. You deserved what you got 鈥� Even God hates you.鈥� Then the poet realizes that she, too, also longs for recognition, 鈥渄emanding my rightful presence in the world.鈥�

鈥淭hese ghosts know only the worst of the world,鈥� she says. 鈥淗ow would they react to kindness? I could bake them some cookies and/Introduce them to the taste of sweet comfort鈥︹��

An appreciative murmur rose from the judges鈥� table. Later, they agreed they were impressed; they liked how Prive turned negatives into friends.

As she left the room, Prive told the panel, 鈥淓njoy the rest of your evening. May there be excitement and wonder!鈥�

 

Another would-be cast member, Cassandra Leach, talked about how she had been in and out of therapy for years, but had always resisted medication. Her beloved grandmother had suffered with mental illness for many years and she had seen what Lithium, Xanax and Klonopin had done to her, she said.

On the outside, Leach may have looked like she was successful, 鈥渂ut I wasn鈥檛,鈥� Leach said. 鈥淭hen I started pulling my hair out.鈥�

That鈥檚 when her therapist implored her to try a low dose of medication, Leach said: 鈥淏ecause you are suffering, and you don鈥檛 need to suffer.鈥�

Leach finally gave in. 鈥淎nd in a month, I felt so much better,鈥� she said. 鈥淚 hadn鈥檛 ever felt so balanced and in control….鈥�

Afterward, Leach told the judges it was scary to come to the audition; she wonders what her relatives and co-workers will make of her story. 鈥淚 kept coming back to 鈥楾his is my brave,鈥欌�� she said. 鈥淵ou couldn鈥檛 have called this a better thing to inspire someone like me.鈥�

The show鈥檚 director is Ellen Desmond; she鈥檚 the training and technical assistance coordinator at the state Department of Education and has a background in theater. 鈥淚 just see this great need to build empathy,鈥� she said. 鈥淢ental health diagnoses are skyrocketing; our suicide rates are through the roof. When are we going to learn we have to teach kids how to express themselves 鈥� or they won鈥檛.鈥�

Desmond was also a judge for the auditions, and in between performers, she sketched out an idea for the show鈥檚 set, a living room where cast members will sit together and share their stories. 鈥淲e鈥檙e getting together, we鈥檙e a group of people from any walk of life, to have a conversation about ending the stigma,鈥� she explained to her fellow judges.

 

Jonathan Bellino explained to the judges that he was going to perform his piece in a British accent. And then he launched into a monologue titled 鈥淢y Offenses,鈥� in which memories of past transgressions 鈥渉aunt both my dreams and waking hours.鈥�

鈥淢y life upon earth is perdition,鈥� he said.

His piece took on Shakespearean themes of guilt, shame, self-doubt and finally resignation: 鈥淭he tribulations and misfortunes of some are always to be more severe than those of others. Who I have been constitutes who I am, and therefore I suffer.鈥�

When he was done, Bellino let out a deep breath and admitted, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 the most vulnerable thing I have done.鈥�

Another judge, Rebecca Wolfe, who works in human resources and community affairs at Riverbend, smiled at him. 鈥淰ulnerability is the best measure of courage,鈥� she said, quoting best-selling author and researcher Brene Brown.

It was a different sort of casting call, with compassion at the forefront. The national 鈥淭his is My Brave鈥� organization has guidelines for what language should and should not be used, to avoid causing harm or triggering others. And each piece is meant to focus on recovery, and hope.

The Concord judges worried that one individual who auditioned was too recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder to be ready to perform publicly. 鈥淗e鈥檚 not fully on the other side,鈥� Wolfe said.

There鈥檚 a lot of work ahead. Some performers had only rough outlines of what they wanted to say and ad-libbed their monologues. They would have to be honed into set pieces, the judges agreed, that could be repeated time and again in rehearsals.

But what emerged from the auditions was a compelling, sometimes raw, series of narratives that offered a window on the experience of mental illness. It felt at times like grief, despair, hope or resilience. It felt brave.

Sean Adam said he鈥檚 been telling his story publicly to offer others the hope that he鈥檚 found, 鈥渢o give people the message there is an exit door.鈥�

鈥淚 know a lot of beautiful souls, super creative minds, that have mental illness and addiction. We鈥檙e worth something,鈥� he said.

鈥淭his is my strength now,鈥� Adam said. 鈥淭his is my brave.鈥�

鈥淭his is My Brave鈥� will be presented by 51暗网 Mental Health at Concord High School on May 23 at 7 p.m.

Beyond the Stigma, a series exploring solutions to the state鈥檚 addiction and mental health challenges, is sponsored by the New Hampshire Solutions Journalism Lab at the Nackey S. Loeb School of Communications and funded by the New Hampshire Charitable Foundation, Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center, NAMI New Hampshire, and private individuals.